In 1985 Coca-Cola decided they’d reformulate the classic Coke and introduce it to the public as “New Coke”.  Fortunately, New Coke was a failure, because it was not as good as the original.  In that same manner, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is not as good as the original.  In fact, like “New Coke”…it is a big disappointment.  We all know that remakes and sequels rarely measure up to blockbuster originals, with a few exceptions being the Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park and Die Hard franchises.  I wonder why the powers that be feel the need to put us through the trouble of standing in line for tickets and popcorn just so we can sit through the two hour root canal-esque sham of a movie.  At best it is a sloppy copy of Outbreak starring Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo.  Nothing about this movie had me swinging from the trees.

The plot is too simple, but I will break it down for you and save you forty bucks.

SPOILER WARNING.

Passionate doctor whose father has Alzheimer’s Disease tests his possible “cure” drug on chimpanzees.   The drug is deemed a failure when “Bright Eyes” attacks.  Her baby, who has drug in his system, ends up being raised by Passionate Doc.  One thing leads to another and Caesar is sent to a “sanctuary” where the primates are regularly mistreated.  Caesar figures out how to escape, frees all primates in the city and takes revenge on his attackers.  Meanwhile, a side effect of the drug, which infected one lab worker is rapidly spreading through the human race and will eventually wipe us out, giving rise to the planet of the apes.

If there is one bright spot in the movie, it would have to be John Lithgow as Passionate Doc’s father, who has Alzheimer’s disease.  He is a legendary actor with incredible talent and it is a shame that we do not see him in more movie roles.

PETA members and animal lovers will cringe with scenes of poachers, the scientific testing and the animal cruelty at the “sanctuary”, but they will cheer in the end as the apes are the clear winners in the battle against good and evil.  By renting the original movie, you can be the winner against the evil Hollywood types that brought us this junk.  Not even the 10 second ode to the original can redeem this movie.